I said I wanted to create, yet obscured that part of myself.

I said I wanted freedom yet handcuffed myself to a lifestyle.

I said I wanted simplicity but said yes to “nos,” adding complexity to my life.

No wonder life felt “off”.

No wonder I never felt comfortable in my own skin.

No wonder I chased escapes within alcohol and materialism.

My life was the antithesis of what I said I valued. Saying one thing and doing the opposite is the perfect recipe for feeling “off.”

But the messed up thing was I was chasing what I valued through the idea of,

“When I have “enough,” then life will be simple.”

“When I have “enough,” then I’ll be free.”

“When I am free, then I can create.”

I had no idea how much was “enough.” I didn’t have an exact number or even a clue.

I was operating under the guise that I’d hit a certain level of materialistic possessions and money, and the tumblers to freedom, simplicity, and creativity would magically align and unlock the life I wanted.

I was chasing enough, and enough would never be enough because I wasn’t enough.

I was on a fool’s errand, believing it was the most important work ever because I was chasing my values.

Values don’t live on the other side of enough.

Values aren’t driven by externals.

Values don’t exist because I say them in conversations with myself.

Values stated or wished for without aligned action are merely air.

I said I wanted to create; all I had to do was create.

I said I wanted freedom; all I had to do was define it to understand I wasn’t living it.

I said I wanted simplicity; all I had to do was express myself authentically.

Looking at these statements now, there’s an underlying emotion that pushed and pulled me away from aligned action:

Fear

• I was afraid of creating.
• I was afraid of letting go of the lifestyle.
• I was afraid of saying “no” and upsetting the apple cart of relationships.

I couldn’t see it then, but I now know that the freedom I needed was freedom from my fears.